"Let other pens dwell on guilt and misery."

Sarah made her way through the crowd of the shopping mall with shopping bags in both hands. It was the day before Christmas; the stores were busy and filled with people. She could hear the Christmas music playing throughout the building. Her last two stops were See’s candies and Forever 21. She was getting ready to see her boyfriend who was finally coming home after three months of touring. He was supposed to come two weeks before, but got held back playing Christmas shows in Anaheim and Seattle.

She was going to get his favorite kind of chocolate and pick out a dress to wear for his arrival. The house was already set up with Christmas decor and she was ordering Thai food take-out as soon as she got home. She wanted everything to be perfect, but then there was this little voice that kept telling her he’d let her down like various times before. He had during the summer when he spent his first week at home back from Warped with the guys. Then the Christmas before when he didn’t show up for dinner because traffic held him back (which she found to be a lame excuse). But this year she hoped it was different. She didn’t want to build herself up for disappointment.

After picking out chocolate at See’s, Sarah headed to Forever 21 where she spent twenty minutes searching around the store for a dress she liked. When she finally found one, she paid for it and was on her way out. As she walked to her car in the parking lot, her phone rang in the pocket of her faux leather jacket. Sarah managed to answer it, even though her hands were full. 

“Hello,” she answered.

“Hey sweetie. What are you up to?”

His gentle voice filled her ear, making her heart flutter. 

“Just doing last minute Christmas shopping. Where are you?”

“At my mom’s. She wanted me to stop by.”

“She’s making you set up the lights around the house, isn’t she?”

“Maybe…”

She laughed lightly. “So you’re really here? In Arizona?”

It was that small doubt speaking up - to be let down again would be devastating. The previous Christmas she didn’t speak to him for days. But with persuasion, he won her back. Always taking his word. He always got to her because deep down inside she knew she could never stay mad at him too long. No matter what.

“Yes I am. I’ll be at our house at eight.”

“Okay, I’ll see you then.”

“K and Sarah?”

She had reached her car and set some bags on top of the trunk to pull out the car keys from her bag. “Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Her heart skipped a beat again. Even after a year and a half, him saying those words made her react that way.

“I love you too.”


The first thing Sarah did was turn on the Christmas lights from outside when she got home. After that, she brought in all her shopping bags into the living room to sort it out. She took of her jacket and decided it’d be best to dress up before getting everything else she had to do done. Grabbing the new black bow dress she bought, Sarah got dressed in her room. She paired it up with some red flats and put her dark brown hair up in a ponytail. Once she was dressed, she grabbed a pen and her to-do list to bring it to the living room. With six things crossed out, she looked to see what else had to be done.

Order Thai food, wrap up gifts, set up the table, grab the wine and glasses from the garage, clean up the living room… Sarah followed this list in order, anxiously checking every half an hour to make sure she was done before eight o’clock. She played music to calm her nerves. Death Cab For Cutie, Imogen Heap, and Tom Petty. Just a few of the artists featured in the mix CD he had made for her over the summer. She played it almost every night to help her sleep when she was missing him the most. Three months without him in the summer were bad enough, but when he left again it felt worst. 

He was more of a visitor in this house, their house that they shared together. But she knew what she was getting into when their relationship became more serious. Dating a musician who’d be touring nine months of the year was tough. Though he’d call constantly and text her sweet messages as she worked and was at school, it never filled that empty void in her heart. The part that ached the most when she laid in bed alone every night in their bed. Or when saw couples walk into her work.

She couldn’t count how many times she had cried over him, because of him - sometimes both. Sometimes he’d ask herself why she would put herself through this. The answer was always the same: because she was in love with him. That was the only answer she needed.

As the clock got closer to eight, Sarah had managed to get everything done on her to-do list. The Thai food had come and was set down on the table in the plastic take-out bag. The gifts she had wrapped up were underneath the Christmas tree, including his. Now all she had to do was wait for him to come home. Waiting wasn’t something Sarah could manage, but over time she had become a patient person. She had to be. Months without him left her a wreck. But now that he was here in the state, in town, she didn’t feel like that anymore. He promised to be back home. She believed him.

That hope (at least what was left of it) began to deteriorate as the hand on the clock got closer to nine. Disappointment… again. Another year. She was all alone just like last Christmas Eve. All the preparation only to be left hanging by that shred of hope she contained. Sarah wouldn’t let herself cry, not this time around. She walked over to the set up dining table to pour herself a glass of wine. The food was beginning to get cold and the music had winded down to Death Cab’s “Transatlanticism.” Swirling the drink in the glass, she took a quick sip as she tried to hold herself together. 

She didn’t expect the sound of the door opening though. Her emotions had gotten the best of her then, a few stray tears rolling down her cheeks. She didn’t expect Kennedy to come an hour later than he said he would. She was used to him breaking promises. He walked into the living room, suitcases at hand. He was in a black hoodie with a gray jacket over, black jeans teared at the knee and his worn-out black lo-pro Vans. He set the suitcases aside, walking over to where she stood.

Sarah took a couple steps forward until she was face to face with him by the Christmas tree. He gave her a gentle grin as his hand reached out to remove an undried tear from her face. 

“Hey,” he softly said to her.

“Hey,” she said back, her voice meek.

“You thought I wasn’t going to come, didn’t you?”

She shook her head and he only sighed, biting down on his bottom lip. 

“I have a reason for being late.”

“Elaborate.”

“Well, I made a stop on the way home to get you this.”

He then pulled out a red diamond ring from his pocket to show her. 

“It’s a promise ring,” he explained. “I’m going to make you a promise I can’t break.”

He grabbed her left hand to slip the ring onto her ring finger as he said,

“I promise to be a better boyfriend and to stop disappointing you like I have before. You don’t deserve that, Sarah. You’re the best thing that has happened to my life.”

“Kennedy…,” she started to say, but her voice cracked. She was ready to cry tears of joy.

No other words were exchanged once he closed the small gap between them to plant a gentle kiss on her lips. Sarah swung her arms around his neck to hold onto him. He placed his hands on her waist, holding her close. He had never kissed her this way before - it was new and sent a blood rush to her heart.

When they pulled away, he whispered, “I love you.”

“Love you too.”

“You look very beautiful tonight by the way.”

Her face flushed. “Thanks.”

“What would you like to do now? We have all night.”

She twitched her mouth to the side. “Hmm, we can have dinner first and then open presents.”

“Any kissing in-between?”

She smiled. “Of course. We gotta catch up on our kissing.”

He chuckled as a smile crossed his lips. “Deal.”

Sarah pecked her lips again before taking his hand into hers as they sat down at the dining table, Kennedy told her,

“Merry Christmas Sarah. Forgot to say that after I gave you the ring.”

She grinned. “Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you’re here. That’s all I wanted.”

He smiled at her once more - they were falling in love all over again. It was the season of hope and it was reinstalled in her. This was all she wanted for Christmas - just to be with Kennedy. That was all she need.

It was a routine thing - every time she walked into the store, he’d feel his heart speed up and all train of thoughts would focus on her. She wore a uniform look for work - a black collar polo shirt with the name tag above the breast that read, “Lauren.” The shirt was paired with denim shorts and black Toms. Her long mahogany brown hair pulled up into a ponytail. It was summertime at the mall and Stephen knew how she always came into work, especially in this season when the Arizona sun was at its’ peak. 

He watched as she walked up to the register where he stood by putting “30% off” stickers on the best-seller covers. She gave him a polite smile and all he did was smile, that was it. No “Hello” or “How are you?,” just a smile. A smile he gave her every day she came into work. Countless of times he tried to speak to her, but it always came out in a stutter or he didn’t even try at all. Lauren went behind the counter, punching in her number into the register she was going to work at. She looked over at Stephen again and commented,

“Slow day, huh?”

He only nodded, tongue tied over the fact she was speaking to him. Stephen knew he was acting ridiculous and all his crush-like symptoms were getting the best of him. She nodded back and asked,

“Are the new Palanhuik books coming in today?”

He nodded again and replied, “By noon.”

Talking to Lauren was making him nervous and if she kept asking questions, he was going to crack. He was saved by a customer who walked up to her register though with the latest issues of Nylon and Teen Vogue. After that, she left Stephen with his thoughts and then their manager, Barb told her to arrange the shelves. Stephen was then told to be the one to arrange the new Palanhuik books at the front. 

The whole time he was stacking the books, he felt like hitting his head against one. Hell, maybe even five.She was making an effort to speak to him and all he did was stand by and act like a mute. Stupid, stupid, stupid! If only he had the courage to go up to her and say, “I like you.” But of course he was too much of a pansy, he convinced himself. For the rest of the shift, he’d catch glances of Lauren setting up the books. Seeing her help customers and smiling. 


The next weekend - Stephen shared a shift with Lauren again in the afternoon. This time he decided things had to change. He needed to man up and make conversation with her. A real conversation, not the awkward ones he used to. He took a deep breath, straightening out his black shirt and decided to walk towards her direction when she caught eyes with him. She was setting up stuff animals in the children’s book section while he set the summer reading books on two tables. 

He panicked a little when she caught him staring, but decided it was all or nothing then. His hands were shaking as he tried to come up with words to say. He fell short of them as he got closer to where Lauren stood. He didn’t need to impress her, he just needed to speak to her without it all coming out in a jumble. Once he was a few feet away from her, he backed out and only smiled at her. That was it. She smiled back meekly, focusing back on her work.

Now Stephen just wanted to crawl in a hole and die there. So close and choked up the last minute. She was only a girl, a girl he adored, which only made his feelings for her flourish. He was so caught up with her. He wanted to say more than a word or two. He was at lost of words when her bright brown eyes locked with his. Lovestruck to say the least.


The following weekend after that incident, Stephen had to go work early since the bookstore was having a sale. At home, looking through the bathroom mirror, he messed around with his tousled hair and straightened his black vest over a white v-neck shirt, name tag intact. He wanted to look nice that day when he’d see Lauren. Today he wanted things to be different - only this time he was going to make sure he fell through with his plans. 

When he walked into the bookstore, it was filled with a few dozen people with more coming in every few minutes. Stephen took his place behind the register to ring up purchases for customers. He looked around for Lauren, who he spotted helping out people in the music and DVD’s section. She was in her usual attire of shorts and black Toms, except she wore a gray v-neck racerback tank. Before he left the register, he grabbed a piece of paper and a black pen to write down the following: I like you.

He made his way towards her and before he could hand over the note to her, the manager told him to go to the back room to grab more Stephenie Meyer books to put out in the front. He walked off, defeated as the note in his hand slipped away from his fingers. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be and all these things that were stopping him were signs. Though he wished he could make her his, things didn’t look good in Stephen’s perspective. 


His work shirt ended at seven and he went to buy a cup of coffee from the bookstore’s cafe before he went home. He ordered it along with a cinnamon roll, taking a seat at a table to wait for his coffee. Taking small pieces from the roll, he popped them into his mouth as he checked his phone for text messages. He was texting back his younger brother about band practice when he felt a presence standing near him. He looked up, eyes widening slightly when he saw that it was Lauren. She smiled shyly at him, taking a seat across from him. Her fingers kept fidgeting over a piece of paper as she said,

“Hey.”

Stephen cleared his throat before he replied, “Hey.”

“Um, I found this on the floor. I recognized it to be your handwriting.”

She stop fidgeting with the piece of paper she had and laid it out in front of him. Shit, he thought. She knows. She probably thought he was a dumbass, a fool for not speaking to her at all. For basically being an all-around pansy. He didn’t know how to respond to this, but before he could though, she softly stated,

“I have an answer for you.”

She then pulled out a piece a paper from the pocket of her shorts and placed it next to the other one. In neat-printed caps, it said,

“I like you too.”

Stephen looked back and forth between the paper and Lauren, his brain trying to register this new information. She liked him back, the girl he was crazy about had feelings for him as well. It was surprising and yet he couldn’t help but smile at her. She smiled back before she grabbed a napkin to jot down something. She placed it in his hand as she leaned over to kiss his cheek, her cheeks flushing pink.

“What’s this?” he asked, looking down at the napkin and blushed.

“My number so we can talk. Maybe go out sometime soon,” she replied, shyness evident in her voice.

He gave her a crooked grin. “I’d like that.”

She returned the grin, stating, “Great. See you tomorrow, Stephen.”

“See you, Lauren.”

The routine had broken. No more waiting for the perfect moment - she was going to be his just like he had constantly thought about.